Confessions competition shortlist – and win a copy of my book!

iPod Touch cake!

The 15 books comp will take a little while to find a winner because I need to make a spreadsheet – a spreadsheet! – for all the entries.

The iPod Touch competition has a shortlist of five entries and now it’s your job to select a winner. Yes, yours! I’ve posted all five confessions/diary entries below and I’d like you to vote for the one you like the best.

But I’m not asking you to do it for nothing, oh no. What I’d like you to do is to leave your own embarrassing moments in the comments and, at the end of the week (once the voting has closed) I’ll send a signed copy of my book to the author of the one that makes me laugh the most.

So here are the embarrassing confessions:


I was going to my local electrical retailer to purchase a DVD recorder. I had had lengthy discussions over the telephone with the sales advisors, named Ron and Andy. I went into the store only having spoken to these gentlemen on the phone. Trying to be cool, I approached a salesman in the shop, got a bit flustered and said, “Are you randy?!!!!”


The most embarrassing thing that happened to me was walking in on my parents having sex. Then a couple weeks later I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom cupboard. It wasnt mine and it wasn’t my sister’s so we knew it was our mum’s. My mum told me that she was pregnant a few weeks after and I had to pretend I didn’t know.


I used to be a Saturday girl in a well known high street chemists. One day whilst working on the pharmacy counter a short angry man marched into the store and threw a packet of condoms at me and said “They’re too short!” I nearly died on the spot and tried to overt my gaze from his nether regions. Flabbergasted but well trained by the store I mumbled “I’m really sorry to hear that, they are well tested…and um, well…” The man looked at me with total disgust and said “No you silly girl, it’s a pack of three and when I opened it there was only one inside!!!”


I had the worst news ever today. Darren has now officially got a girlfriend and it’s not me. The guy that I have been crushing for almost 3 years is taken, by the most popular girl in school. Perfect match I guess, kinda predictable the most popular guy and gal together, no biggy. Except the gorgeous floppy hair and cutesy smile that melts my insides, should be with me. Except he’s not…so what do I do now? Guess I’ll just have to watch and wait but I have done for so long, we would be perfect together.

YES! I am so happy, he has split up with her (finally!) claiming she is not his type, maybe I finally have a chance! Oh what do I do now? Pounce on him as a rebound? Or casually become friends and then more. Mission: Get The Boyfriend is on, starting today.


I once asked the ice cream man that was parked up at our local beauty spot if I could have a 69 instead of saying 99. He gave me a big wink and said, “Meet me at the back of the van in 10 minutes love and I’ll see what I can do.” I nearly died of embarrassment.

Now let’s hear yours… 🙂


17 thoughts on “Confessions competition shortlist – and win a copy of my book!

  1. I think my most embarrassing moment was when I was a teenager my mother walked into my room and caught me masturbating. Luckily neither of us said a word and it’s never been mentioned!

  2. Voted!

    I once got a Southwestern trains head-rest cover stuck on my back (it was velcroed to my top). I went all the way from Putney to Kings Cross, then back to Notting Hill Gate, then home… all with this massive square that read ‘Southwestern Trains’ clinging to my back. NO-ONE TOLD ME!

  3. I was on a French exchange once staying in this family’s house. We were eating dinner on the patio but the sun was a bit blinding so I popped inside to get my sunglasses. It was so sunny on the way back that I didn’t see that they’d shut the glass patio door. I ended up walking right into it and landed splayed on the kitchen floor, for the whole family to see through the window. Completely mortifying. Glad I didn’t break their door though….

  4. Gosh, which embarrassing moment to pick?
    Here’s a recent one. We don’t have wheelie bins in our neighbourhood yet so the rubbish has to be put out once a week in black bin bags. On refuse collection day I stepped outside my garden to find animals had been at the bins and my neighbour’s had burst open leaving condoms strewn down the street. (Try explaining that to the kids!) Still can’t look them in the eye, though I am glad that they are, er, responsible.

  5. Voted! Yay!

    I once ran up to my fiance at a club (while slightly, er, under the influence of a few – okay, several – alcoholic beverages), leapt on his back, swung him around, and kissed him senseless.

    Only, of course, as these things go, it wasn’t him. Alas.

    (No, he wasn’t angry. He laughed his head off. No, the Strange Bloke wasn’t angry either. He made me a lewd proposition. I could have died.)

  6. I was sixteen. He was my second-ever boyfriend. He had the coolest haircut in the whole school. We had a date in a coffee bar downtown. I was very nervous – we had only been going out for one week. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. I tried to be brave and made a wry joke, a cutting one-liner preparatory to making the most dignified exits in the history of break-ups. I then laughed at my own joke. Sadly, tragically, the laugh egressed not from my mouth, as laughs are supposed to, but from my nostril, encased in a bubble of shimmering mucous.

    Please send your sympathy cards to antipodeesse at yahoo dot fr.

  7. P.S. I would like to volunteer The Lovely Ms. Mac’s dreadful faux pas, committed when she once spent a weekend at my house. I would not presume to steal her thunder, but will give you a hint. It involves ‘bathroom’, ‘shower’, ‘cunningly disguised rubbish bin’ and ‘massive pile of faux pubes’….

  8. When I was staying at a former good friend’s house, I took a shower and washed my hair before we headed out to the airport to go home. As happens, every time I wash my hair, handfuls of it fell out. Instead of clogging up the plughole, I roll the hair into a ball and throw it into the bin when I get out of the shower. Very hygienic of me, I think you’ll agree.

    Imagine my embarrassment when I realised, while sitting on the plane back home, that I had completely forgotten to throw my hairball out and had left it sitting in a vile pile on the edge of my gracious hostess’s pristine bath. I had to email her to please discreetly rid the bathroom of my leavings (which she while telling all who will listen, to this day, claims was my pubes, to make me even more embarrassed) before any of her family found it.

    I don’t think I could have been any more embarrassed than if I’d flooded their toilet with a particularly large no. 2!

  9. Well actually, poor Anon’s memory must be playing tricks on her.

    Not only did I have to deal with the vile pile of faux pubes perched cheekily on the edge of my pristine bath before any of my family found it, but there WAS also a distinct blockage in the LAVATORY (we don’t say the T word in my house, so vulgar, don’t you think?), causing a definite seepage of excess moisture onto the floor…

    Naturally I have had insist that poor Anon never darken my door again, or at least not until she has enrolled in Miss Manner’s Academy of House-Training.

  10. Speaking of flooding toilets…

    …I did have the *delightful* experience of creating something that wouldn’t flush in the very busy toilets at school prom. Two flushes wouldn’t shift it, couldn’t do three cos people would start wondering. Had to fish it out, wrap it in loo roll, and then drop it into the ST bin, helpfully located OUTSIDE the cubicle.


    1. OMG, Petronella – that whole scene came ‘flooding’ back to me too, something clearly buried way behind in my shameful archives, and mine took place at a ‘new’ boyfriend’s home… OMG OMG. Oh, have voted, Keris, btw… x

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