January 2005: 100 Things

1. I was born in Canada.
2. We came back to the UK when I was four months old.
3. We came back by ship.
4. It was a rough journey.
5. Paul Newman was on board.
6. But we didn’t get to meet him.
7. Which was a shame because he was my mum’s heartthrob.
8. Along with Burt Reynolds.
9. She also liked George Clooney.
10. As do I.
11. The last night I spent with my mum before she died we watched Out of Sight.
12. I said ‘This is my favourite bit’.
13. And she said, ‘Why? Do you see his willy?’
14. You don’t.
15. Unfortunately.
16. But you do see his arse in Solaris.
17. When I was little I had an imaginary friend named Mr Corbett.
18. He was the dad from the Sooty Show.
19. Once I said I’d left him at my nan’s house and my dad said, ‘No …
20. … he’s running behind the car.’
21. I realised recently that I’ve always thought of myself as Welsh.
22. Even though I’m not.
23. But my name is.
24. At school I was painfully shy.
25. But then I got a job selling Kleeneze door to door and got over it.
26. Now I’m not shy but I am self-conscious.
27. Because I’m very vain.
28. I’m trying to get over it.
29. So that one day I can do karaoke.
30. I once auditioned for Movie Watch.
31. Remember it? It was presented by Johnny Vaughn.
32. I was almost sick with nerves.
33. And didn’t stop shaking for ages after.
34. But I didn’t get on.
35. I used to be in the Bucks Fizz fan club.
36. We were called Fizzers.
37. After Bucks Fizz had their coach crash I fell out with my friends.
38. Because they thought it was funny.
39. But Mike Nolan nearly died!
40. The night I lost my virginity I’d drunk wine, beer, tequila, White Russian, Black Russian and whisky.
41. I don’t remember much about it.
42. Probably for the best.
43. When my husband and I first met we wrote our life stories for each other.
44. They were both pretty boring.
45. My first crush was on Bruce Boxleitner in How The West Was Won.
46. I wonder what he’s doing now …
47. I think he married Half Pint from Little House on the Prairie.
48. I’ve worn glasses since I was 6.
49. My first pair were pink NHS with a plaster over one lens.
50. No wonder I grew up to be a dork.
51. The day before Charles and Diana’s wedding the wind slammed our lounge door.
52. With my finger in it.
53. The whole nail came out from the nail bed.
54. My mum found it on the floor.
55. Along with the spray of blood up the wall.
56. And a note from my dad saying ‘Gone to hospital’.
57. I had six stitches.
58. And fainted when they were removed.
59. Because they pulled them through the scab. (Sorry)
60. The nail still doesn’t grow properly.
61. When I eat peanuts I store them in my cheeks.
62. Like a squirrel.
63. I once met a boy called Jamie.
64. I asked him if he had a Magic Torch.
65. He didn’t laugh.
66. I didn’t really fancy him anyway.
67. I met Robbie Williams a few times when he was in Take That.
68. Campest man I’ve ever met.
69. Lovely though.
70. Sexiest man I’ve every met was Ian Astbury from The Cult.
71. Weird, I know.
72. I don’t know what it was about him.
73. But it wasn’t that he was wearing eyeliner.
74. My favourite song of all time is Could It Be Magic by Barry Manilow.
75. He describes it as a “musical orgasm”.
76. The world needs more musical orgasms, don’t you think?
77. Most of the time I live in a world of my own.
78. I don’t have a problem with that.
79. Sometimes other people do.
80. But none of my imaginary friends ever does.
81. Whenever I go on holiday I always fantasise about moving there.
82. One of these days I will.
83. I’m thinking Canada.
84. Or Italy.
85. A tramp once kissed me in the street.
86. I pick my nose.
87. A lot.
88. I feel cool when I’ve got a cup of takeaway coffee.
89. I imagine it’s what it feels like to smoke.
90. I’ve never smoked.
91. I’d be thinner if I did.
92. I’ve got an obsessive personality.
93. But I’m scared of drugs so that’s okay.
94. Matt Goss might disagree.
95. Since I stood outside his house for two years.
96. In Redwood National Park I hugged a tree.
97. It didn’t hug me back.
98. Apparently if I’d waited long enough it would have.
99. My son is the best thing in my life.
100. And my life is pretty good.